When I was thinking of a name for this blog I struggled with it momentarily and then bam it hit me lol The Lighting Strikes, it was perfect. And as you read you will see why.
August 11th -13th Doula Canada hosted an amazing retreat in Castleton Ontario. (which I attended) It was announced a few months in advance and when Shaunacy ( director of Doula Canada) posted it I was so excited and wanted to go! But then my life got turned upside down in the blink of an eye and it was no longer on my radar.
In May of this year, we found out we were expecting our 3rd child. It was such an excitement for us. We announced quite quickly to our family and close friends. Mason had his photo shoot done when we were around 8 weeks to announce he was going to be a big brother and life was wonderful.
Mason's picture above will be one that is close my heart forever as it won't be shared as it was intended.
At our 9 week ultrasound, my heart raced as she was doing the scan, all the emotions of losing our first baby at this time in the pregnancy and the emotions during the second pregnancy with Mason they were all just flooding over me as my eyes started to fill and the tech telling me to relax. well she then started asking me those same questions I remember being asked with our first baby, "how have you been feeling?", "Have you had any cramping?", "do you have other children?" and my fucking heart dropped into the earth like it wasn't even attached to my body. I knew it, I knew what that meant. My baby was gone. Something wasn't right. She proceeded and then told me she was going to get my husband, yeah not, she walked back in the door with her supervisor who then told me that my baby didn't have a heart beat. AND JUST LIKE THAT, your life gets turned upside down AGAIN!
I never thought that it would happen to me again, maybe being too hopeful or being naive to the fact that a loss could happen again. I really wanted to believed that once was my turn. As the pain set in and the few days that followed consisted of a D&C and telling our family and friends about our loss, I felt like it was going to be ok and like the first loss where my cycle would come back and we would conceive again just like we did with Mason. Well, I was wrong.....
In my work as a Birth worker and Reiki Practitioner, I support women and families through this all the time. Why it never occurred to me that this could be me too, I don't know. Again I really want to believe that one loss was it for us. Like many of my clients also feel. But with our second loss, the universe needed me to see and learn and as painful as it was, I was able to do that.
Life isn't always nice in the way it teaches us nor does it come with a manual, book or warning. But if we can find the strength within us and our village around us then maybe, just maybe we can see the beauty in the life and the lesson in which we are being taught.
This finally brings me to the retreat. When I was going through our loss I reached out to my village and found the support I thought I needed. Even though I was trying to push myself to believe I was ok just like the first time, yeah I wasn't. But Shaunacy is one major person in my village and she helped me to make the decision to come to the retreat even though I thought many times I didn't want to go now I was so busy pretending I was ok, but she knew inside that I needed this even when I didn't. So has the 2 months passed before the retreat came I waited and waited, AND WAITED for my period to show up and it didn't, with our first loss it was back in 3 weeks. I also went on believing and telling myself I was fine and at peace with my loss.
YAY RETREAT WEEKEND ARRIVED!!!!
So here I went on the retreat this weekend, not knowing what to expect as I have never been on one before. I arrived and met 13 AMAZING women whom I spent the weekend with. Our first night we opened the weekend with a little opening ceremony where we bound ourselves together with yarn and told the reason why you were at the retreat.
As the yarn was thrown around the room I wanted to lie, I wanted to lie so bad about why I was there and just say I wanted to meet my Doula sisters and have a relaxing weekend. Well when the yarn got to me that didn't happen, I knew I needed to tell the truth and so I did.
WAIT !! Did I mention that there was a GIANT thunderstorm happening! Yeah like pouring rain, thunder that shook the house and lighting that lit the night sky. TALK ABOUT POWERFUL ENERGY. ( and this is where the name came from)
The thunder struck as we all shared our stories and bound to one another. And then when it got to me my heart sank and it all just came pouring out. I was there because I needed to heal, I needed to let go and truly come to peace with my loss. And as I spoke these words and admitted out loud for the first time that I WAS NOT OK, the thunder hit so loud and the lightning struck like the universe was talking back. We were all in amazement at the energy the room had as we each shared. It was amazing. words can't even explain. Some deep shit got laid out that night.
If I told you every detail of this weekend we would be here forever because it was that amazing (you will have to attend one yourself to find out), so let's make a long wonderful story a little shorter lol
Saturday we did Yoga and a business kick in butt activity and so much more but it was the mala bracelet making where my healing really started to show. My belief in myself and my work and my intuition all started flooding back to me and I was able to start healing. We made malas where we picked 10 of our own beads and then the other women in the room each picked a bead for your bracelet. Well, apparently I needed a lot of love and self-care as I got 6 rose courts beads from 6 different ladies. As we finished this activity and went back to the house I had to pee so bad. Well hey, what would yah know I was starting to bleed. I intently broke down, I crumbled into a million pieces. I took myself outside and sat in the lawn along for 20 min and cried. I then attended dinner and the rest of the amazing festivities that evening and to my surprise, it stopped. At around 9 pm Sondra (Amazing human and instructor at Doula Canada) did henna on my belly to honor my belly for the 3 beautiful lives it had created. We then went to bed.
Sunday morning I woke with a pleasant (but not so pleasant) surprise! IT WAS HERE!!! FOR REAL THIS TIME, IT WAS HERE!!!!!!!! I have never been too happy to see my period in my life.
I had done it, I had gotten everything my body needed to heal. I was able to walk along a path with 13 amazing women walking with me throughout the weekend all in their own way to help me heal along this journey. I was able to learn what the universe intended me to learn so I am better able to understand my clients, I was able to put my belief back in myself, my work and my intuition. I was able to honor and be balanced and at peace with the loss of our baby. And now I have the space to hold and create new life.
Needless to say, this was one of the most important, amazing, memorable, loving weekends filled with learning, teaching, friendships, growth and so much more that is unexplainable. I will be forever grateful for this Doula Canada Retreat and Village that stands behind it.
May you find the peace that you need in that moment in which the lesson is harder than you can accept.